I once was afraid of both mirror and camera. I hid behind people and things so you would not see me. I was ashamed to be seen, afraid of my body, and completely disconnected from my physical self. I was big, I was small, I was strong, and I was fragile. But through every change, I was always afraid.
I was afraid of being judged, and I was afraid of being ridiculed. I was scared of being noticed, and I was scared of being myself. I was terrified of being immortalised on film as imperfectly disgusting, wrong-looking, ugly, worthless and bad. A lifetime of weight gain, loss, growth, stretch marks and loose skin and I would never look right.
It is possible to change how you feel when you look in the mirror. It is a choice to be afraid, and to run from yourself. It is not easy but it can be done. I am not perfect but at least that quest is far behind me now. The picture you see on this page is a photograph of me, today, posing deliberately, happily, and without shame. I am the same person, the same body. This is not about weight loss; it's about how you feel within your own skin, how you compare yourself, or position yourself in relation to others.
The way you judge your own body begins with what you believe the physical form to represent. Do you see function, capacity and endurance? Or do you see form, aesthetics and imperfection? Do you see potential or do you see disappointment? Are you grateful for the blood that keeps pumping through your veins, or are you disappointed that it doesn't fucking sparkle? Your own shallowness will dictate the level of misery and dissatisfaction that you feel with your physical form. When you appreciate the things that your body does for you, you it is so much harder to hate the way that it appears. It's just skin, tissue, bone. You move, you speak, you walk, stand or run. You feel pain, it saves you from danger. You feel pressure, pleasure, sensation. You hear, see, write, read. Not every body can do all these things. Not everyone wants to. Yet, if you're lucky enough to have that choice, how can you not be grateful? We exist only for a moment, and it is wasted if spent in hate.
Stop judging these things so arbitrarily. You are so beautiful. And so am I.
Blurry, smiling, unmatching, imperfect. Me.