This post should, perhaps, have been called Unblinking, Part 2.
I wrote Unblinking yesterday, before immediately embarking on a project way beyond my comfort zone. It was something I had wanted to do for a long time, but something that filled me with enormous fear. From the moment that very first step was arranged, my heart raced at the mere thought of how I could possibly follow through with something so absolutely 'not me'. For the purposes of this blog, I'm not going to go into detail about the project itself, maybe we'll discuss it another time... suffice to say, it is unfamiliar, but passionately intriguing, territory for me, with a hint of exceptional risk, and also potentially unbridled reward. It doesn't matter about the specifics, because everyone's fear is individual. However, facing, conquering, and working with fear can be beneficial in so many spheres of our existence, certainly in terms of overcoming demons and facing down shadows from our pasts.
It was the kind of thing that we (well, maybe just I!) dream of doing but maybe often talk ourselves out of. Why dream, when something is quite clearly within our reach? Why wait, when opportunity presents itself so brazenly? I was fortunate in this instance to have been presented with a chance I might normally not have.... but, I could have said no, or procrastinated on it for months, or years, or until I was thinner or stronger or healthier or more available in the daytime. I could have paused and thought of a thousand reasons to excuse myself from what felt like blinding terror facing me. I could have run away, cancelled, forgotten it. What it boiled down to is that through every gut-churning moment of anticipation, every anxiously turbulent mini-panic, the fact remained that I wanted to do it. When you truly want something, you really do have it within your power to face whatever fear sits alongside it.
There is no question that my boundaries were pushed, and now I'm not ashamed to admit I woke up this morning, elated, already wanting more. The feeling of accomplishment, completion, and sheer honest-to-God badfuckingassery will leave me shortly, but for now still courses through my veins, having shaken me to my very core, shocking me back to life. Fear is an all-consuming, but ultimately, temporary thing; sitting just right there on the flipside of excitement. The twisting sickness of anticipation, the sensation of hot blood pounding in your ears, catching short, sharp breaths in a desert mouth; the physiological workload of the responses to your greatest terror and your biggest excitement really only have mental distance from each other. Physically, they're twins, and ultimately, they pay off in virtually identical ways, too.
At first, I considered last night to be the project; now I see it as a first stepping stone within a much greater project; a mere hint at what I might be capable of achieving in the future. When we face fear, and it is rendered powerless against our own drive, strength is created. With strength comes boldness, we become more fight than flight, even in the face of our greatest insecurity. And in that fight, lies the rush, the passion, the thrill, where you begin to exist as the person who you always knew you were.