Based in Frome, somerset, #fitMess is a blog by Joanna Beale. Her posts draw on her work as a personal trainer, as well as her own personal past experience of significant obesity.  Her general focus is overall wellness and body positivity.

Closing time

Tonight's my last evening class at Epicocity, the fitness studio I opened nearly four years ago. I'm moving my classes and my PT sessions to a nearby gym.

There is a sense of melancholy which I haven't yet been able to process, a haunting tug at my insides, not unlike a sort of queasy homesickness. It's not a fear of the unknown, but more of an awareness that nothing will ever be the same. All that 'end of an era' business, stepping away from something so familiar, to try to do things differently. A lot like Lego: I built what I saw on the box and I guess it wasn't exactly perfect, but I was so very proud of it... and now I systematically take it apart, piece by piece, and, taking the pieces, try to make something bigger, better, and ultimately better suited to my new life. 

Even though I am present in these moments, it's like an out of body experience. I watch myself doing all of these things that ultimately lead me to the place where this situation no longer exists, deconstructing these bricks of a past life, seeing every piece in almost infinite detail. And it fucking hurts. It hurts so badly to watch the process, to be in the process, to bring it about, and to have to be fully immersed inside it until its completion. Every object I touch, everything I move, holds a series of complex memories - some good, some bad, some absolutely fucking hilarious... but laden with such emotion I can hardly bear to continue to take these steps some days.

Take them, I must. There is no reverse in situations like this. There is no quitting, no stopping, no moment of inertia. Only progress, and only ahead, blinkered, and focused. Head down and looking to the new beginning, eyes on the prize. Well, that's what I keep telling myself. The moments of heartbreak only punctuate what is (overall) a positive forward movement. I am so clear about the future that I cannot afford to dwell on anything that I leave behind. Change must happen, always, if we are ever to play a part in creating our future. Change will happen, always, even if we fight it. Better to knowingly steer your ship into a storm, than to be swept away mindlessly in an ocean of breaking waves, as it simply clears the driftwood.

I have no expectations, only the focus that I need to get a job done in the present moment. I am so clear and so confident that every step I am taking is in the right direction, and that instinct is what drives me. The emotion that arises from making painful decisions is one that we need to face in situations like these. Ignoring it will only cause a bottleneck and a delay of the inevitable. Choking it down causes procrastination, lack of productivity, and further sadness. So, I choose to feel it, this agonising and protracted sense of loss, almost to the point of grief. Yet, in these moments, I see tomorrow: bright, fresh, and the infinite potential within it. The freedom to be found in the ability to follow our choices is unparallelled; I am unendingly grateful for the opportunity to move beyond one phase of my life and to embrace the next with open arms.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Music video by Semisonic performing Closing Time. (C) 1999 Geffen Records

Winter '18