Based in Frome, somerset, #fitMess is a blog by Joanna Beale. Her posts draw on her work as a personal trainer, as well as her own personal past experience of significant obesity.  Her general focus is overall wellness and body positivity.

Escape: part 3 (the final chapter)

I saw two out of three possible sunrises, in all their achingly beautiful golden glory. I listened to sparkling sapphire waves crashing their unending heartbeat of the sea. I watched the ocean and the sky stretch further than I could see in either direction, and every time I paused to do so, I waited for it to stop being so heartbreakingly beautiful; yet it never did. 

Most days, I cannot comprehend everything that touches my existence, with its ever-shifting landscape. I have no means of navigation when the destination is fluid and the route is undefined. There are certainties, though, things that I know, things that are immutable, things that help my compass make sense when I am present-minded enough to remember them:

Today may be the most difficult day of your life, but the day will come to an end. The sun will rise again, and tomorrow will be different.

Nobody can make you feel anything. Your own reaction to others is what shapes the way you feel. Nobody can alter you emotionally.  We create our own emotional spectrum, sometimes it gets clogged with detritus along the way, or narrowed, or shortened. You're always in charge, it's just sometimes you can't find the reins. Keep trying.

The truth hurts. It's fucking savage. But only because of the lies we tell ourselves in order to avoid taking responsibility for our lives, or to protect ourselves from the things from which we run. Stop running, stop avoiding, and allow yourself to see your truth. Face it; it doesn't become invisible if you just look away. Identify the lies you are telling yourself - then stop trying to put yourself in any boxes where you don't belong.

Be grateful that your day is shaped by your own choices, no matter how shitty your decisions might appear in the aftermath. Your truth is shaped by the fact that every choice you have made has brought you to the place you are now. Whether you like it or not, you turned every corner on the path yourself. 

What to do with all of this? Let it go. The fear, the anger, the blame, the shame, the guilt, the regret - let it all go. The pain you perpetuate through a magnifying glass of negative emotion. Every harboured agony that you nurture relentlessly, picking over the past, allowing it to fester further into your future. There's a huge difference between taking responsibility for your actions, and being owned by them for the rest of time. Let. It. Fucking. Go.

And what will you be left with? You. The most unutterably perfectly awesome brilliant natural you, your head held high in the sunshine, unafraid and ready for any change of weather.


Baby steps

Escape: part 2